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Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Lost Soul!

Hey sweeties.

So as most of you know I don't work! Whilst this is seen by some as a great thing those of you who don't work will know sometimes it isn't so great. I recently read a blog by a brilliant lady which kinda of explains what I am talking about.

To be honest some of the issues Becca is going through I have been dealing with for the last 18 months since moving back home. After the initial heartache of everything going wrong and leaving my life in South Africa, the tears I cried then became focused on other things - the guilt that I had left my amazing parents to deal with my dad's illness alone, the fact I had missed nearly my sister's entire pregnancy and the whole IVF process they went through, then came panic!! WHAT DO I DO NOW? Well luckily for me, my folks sorted the first few months by us moving house - yet again I was saying good bye to friends but I was excited to start a new life and to be near my sister and nephew. That summer was lush - weather wise! Mum and I sat in the sun, chilling, discussing everything and anything, but soon it was decision time.

So I looked for jobs... I have absolutely no skills, well except drinking, sunbathing and hating all men. Also I had no idea what I wanted to do. Thats when mum suggested being a student again! I like the idea but I wasn't sure how I felt about leaving my family again and being a "mature" student. I also wasn't keen on being a part time student or living at home and travelling in and out of uni - I think you miss sooooo much of uni life doing this. So distance learning seemed the way forward! Thats how I came to do my masters.

But doing a masters wasn't enough - I needed to do more, oh in case you didn't know I am kinda of an "all or nothing girl!" So I started volunteering for the MS Society as branch secetary - committee meetings once a month, events, and coffee and cakes one day a week, 3 weeks of the month! I was told it would be wouldn't take up too much of my time. Well, you know what, you get out what you put into these things! I must admit now that when Harry was poorly and in the run up to my exam I did miss a few meetings and events and how I regret it, I missed them. So now I am doing my masters and the MS Society! Ahhh but still I had time to think, so I volunteered for Help for Heroes! This was one of the best decissions I love them.

And then there is my obsession with the gym! I tend to go twice a day, WHY?  Shallow? Vain? Possibily! Does it give me that reason to actually get out of bed? YES! I could do a lot of my work from my bed!

 My alarm goes off at 5;30am - ok it takes about 15 -30mins for me to actually get out of bed, then I have breakie and hit the gym normally for around 7am, I am home by 9am - I'm up! I do my work, help my mum, be an aunty, whatever my job describption is for the day - then I hit the gym again at 5pm! Now I know why I go then - no its not to perv (it would be if something to look at!!) but no, its so I don't start drinking again every evening or constantly eating - issues I have had in the past! I find the time between finishing work and dinner for some reason the hardest time of the day to be alone. I know I am a nut job!!!

At this stage in 2010 you never got  pic of me without wine
So why can't I stop at all of these as well as being an aunty and a daughter? Why do I not find that this is enough? Well let me explain. I personally struggle cause I find I end up justify to people what I do, why I don't work Monday to Friday 9 - 5! The simple reason is, I don't know what I want to do or who I want to be. I am a lost soul! But I think whilst I am finding out who I am and what I want to do I should give my time to others and learn! To me that makes sense, does it to you?

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